Robert 1

Robert, Robert.

Robert is a fat wild rabbit, who lives in his rabbit hole with his fat mate Regina and their less fat younglings.

Robert has limited horizons, but he loves to give his opinion about everything.

 

Robert likes a lot to go tie one on with his buddies at the Undergrowth Bar.

The refreshment institution is not always reputable, it’s better not going there too late to avoid bugging when you are a fat rabbit as him. He already saw there Piotr one or two times, this nasty carrot-top with a predatory smile, and teeth too long that scratch the floor with ambition. Piotr is rather smart, and Robert doesn’t like it much, he feels Piotr sees too deep in his round eyes, and it makes him uncomfortable. Robert feels his big long ears going down on his neck when Piotr is looking at him, and he always doesn’t know how to react. This guy scares him the fuck off, and he doesn’t want his buddies seeing him scared like that. And who knows, perhaps he’s serious, Piotr, when he threatens him gratuitously. Robert is ashamed, but he prefers to just look him in the eye. In many cases, it helps to see the things coming, and doesn’t kill.

 

And it’s not just Piotr. When you stay after five pm, often in the cold second half of the year, when the days are shorter, the barman changes. It is not François anymore, this nice and fine zytholog toad, it’s Gisèle, an old owl, who takes over. Gisèle, she doesn’t make prices, even to regulars like Robert. She doesn’t speak a lot, Gisèle, and Robert doesn’t like silent people, because he loves listening to others, it calms him down. And she has a bit the same look than Piotr, sometimes. Her manucure is a bit special, Robert doesn’t show it, but when she’s serving him, he’s always thinking that she will keep his rabbit’s foot in trade for his glass, and he freaks out a bit. It would be bad luck, and a little embarassing in everyday life. To find some courage and to break the silence of this hole, Robert comes out : « It’s again your ladies’ coquetries, there, Nellahr, isn’t it ? I saw that in Regy magazines, they are doing that everywhere today ! But don’t you hurt somebody with this stuff ? Isn’t it hard wiping yourself with that, huh ? »

 

And to get started a big laugh on his buddies Franck the marten and Momo the badger – »It’s Muhammad, not Maurice, but it’s too long, I know. », he answers when you make the mistake. Momo often ends his sentences by « I know. »-. Gisèle doesn’t say anything, winks her big yellow eyes. You don’t know if it is because she finds it fun too, or if this is because she’s shocked or because she doesn’t give a fuck at all, and that she brushes aside this bullshit with the blink of an eye. Sometimes she comes out with a sight, or chatters her beak, which makes Benjamin jump, Robert’s vole neighbor, who sometimes sneeks in his group at the bar.

Robert doesn’t like Benjamin very much, because he’s too thin even if he doesn’t stop eating. To the point of thinking that his wife, Bernardine, doesn’t cook him good. Benjamin always comes with his crust to break, most of times golden wheat grains. Stuff which makes Robert drool, but if Regina knew that he’s eating outside, she would have a grudge on him. Anyway, he never saw Benjamin sharing. Benjamin, his big problem, it’s above all that he’s a real chatterbox, and that he often talks only for the sake of talking. It often makes Momo laugh, sometimes Franck too, even if he’s saying « Benj can’t control his kids ». Franck often repeats that when Benjamin’s not there. So Robert laughs too, even if he doesn’t think it’s funny.

 

But for instance, the other day, Robert went to the Undergrowth Bar after a big flageolets beans plate. Regina did her best and it was very good, but Robert’s fat belly soon made long rumbling noises, and because the rabbit’s digestion is fast and effective, he started to fart when he arrived. Momo and Franck were already there, at the bar, and Robert was hastened to tell his gas story, always ready to make his buddies laugh. It was pretty fun to a badger and a marten, because rabbit’s fart, it’s unvaluable, it almost makes no sound, it just let its vegetable smell. The furtive and sneaky thing, which makes a good laugh. But Benjamin arrived, chewing a thing, as always. He climbed on a stool and interfered with the group and the conversation, fast catching the thread, still, you could suppose it. And then, in the silence after the giggle provoked by a louder fart, he came out, the mouth full and all smiling : « Farts it’s a bit like the singing of assholes. » Momo, who wiped his tears from the previous fit of giggles, was up and running again in laughter, and Franck just followed. But Robert turned to the two bootee buttons which served as eyes to Benjamin, and looked far into them, as Piotr. He didn’t see anything, and Benjamin didn’t say a word again, but Robert didn’t like that, because he doesn’t know how to sing.